I am No One, Nothing and No where. Not made to survive in these conditions. The current human social structure is too demanding for my sustenence. I am not a drone, not a slave and cannot exist in a hive structure. Socially speaking, in todays terms I am No one, nothing. I have no material possesions to prove my successes. I have no outstanding or even exceptional social standing that demands respect from anyone. I'm not even an average good person. So flawed in too many ways to describe. I cannot function “normally”. I can't hold a job or abide by any routine daily. I don't care about money or status. If left alone with no one I would live like a nomad and simply travel and document my thoughts, leaving them behind for anyone interested in reading them. I love to create but can never finish anything. My mind never stops. Endless strings of thoughts and ideas create states of being not conducive to modern living. I think far too much and feel the need to shut off my brain frequently to appear like a normal person. My body aches and I think that my threshold for pain is exremely high, and any normal person forced to live in this physical condition would just collapse in pain. But I am so used to it that it is my norm. But I also feel the need to shut this off frequently. Which results in addictive behavior. I would much rather feel completely numb all the time, mentally and physically. Heroin eases everything and cures anything. I'm a junky. This does not sit well with society either. A malcontent, I feel like I exist in the wrong time-period. Like I would be better suited in another time where my behavior would be more acceptable. Which time period that is, Idk. I try to adapt by getting a job, or going to school, but nothing ever lasts. I build up material poseesions that make it appear as if Im doing well. I'll have a car and a job, but the cycle continues and ends the same way everytime. With me having nothing. Having lost it all and having to start all over again from the absolute bottom. And right now I feel that I am tired of this endless cycle and do not wish to continue it. I dont want to die or kill myself. Although this self-loathing and inferior mind state that I;ve been trapped in for so long tells me that that would not be such a bad idea. I dont want that. I would much rather find my calling and some how be successful in this life, on this earth where Im trapped. I make music and write. Perhaps I could gain monetery advantage using these. But motivation is another factor. I will continue this later and hope that I will have something positive to report soon.
Trying desperately to make my empty dirty hovel feel like a home rather than a squat house. Trying to accept the bottom for what it truly is and begin at the absolute beginning. Why am I here?
The oldest question known to man. No more means of escape. Literally. Take on an interest in whats important , finally. Only now that I am forced to by circumstance. Like the Tao told me. Misfortune may be fortune in disguise and vice-versa. My current path was leading me head first into the ground. Ut circumstances are forcing me to change my ways. For the better. Contemplating life and love and death and re-birth. Endless circles of meandering thoughts ultimately leading no where. The cycle has stopped.