Thursday, November 26, 2009


I am No One, Nothing and No where. Not made to survive in these conditions. The current human social structure is too demanding for my sustenence. I am not a drone, not a slave and cannot exist in a hive structure. Socially speaking, in todays terms I am No one, nothing. I have no material possesions to prove my successes. I have no outstanding or even exceptional social standing that demands respect from anyone. I'm not even an average good person. So flawed in too many ways to describe. I cannot function “normally”. I can't hold a job or abide by any routine daily. I don't care about money or status. If left alone with no one I would live like a nomad and simply travel and document my thoughts, leaving them behind for anyone interested in reading them. I love to create but can never finish anything. My mind never stops. Endless strings of thoughts and ideas create states of being not conducive to modern living. I think far too much and feel the need to shut off my brain frequently to appear like a normal person. My body aches and I think that my threshold for pain is exremely high, and any normal person forced to live in this physical condition would just collapse in pain. But I am so used to it that it is my norm. But I also feel the need to shut this off frequently. Which results in addictive behavior. I would much rather feel completely numb all the time, mentally and physically. Heroin eases everything and cures anything. I'm a junky. This does not sit well with society either. A malcontent, I feel like I exist in the wrong time-period. Like I would be better suited in another time where my behavior would be more acceptable. Which time period that is, Idk. I try to adapt by getting a job, or going to school, but nothing ever lasts. I build up material poseesions that make it appear as if Im doing well. I'll have a car and a job, but the cycle continues and ends the same way everytime. With me having nothing. Having lost it all and having to start all over again from the absolute bottom. And right now I feel that I am tired of this endless cycle and do not wish to continue it. I dont want to die or kill myself. Although this self-loathing and inferior mind state that I;ve been trapped in for so long tells me that that would not be such a bad idea. I dont want that. I would much rather find my calling and some how be successful in this life, on this earth where Im trapped. I make music and write. Perhaps I could gain monetery advantage using these. But motivation is another factor. I will continue this later and hope that I will have something positive to report soon.


Later today.

Trying desperately to make my empty dirty hovel feel like a home rather than a squat house. Trying to accept the bottom for what it truly is and begin at the absolute beginning. Why am I here?

The oldest question known to man. No more means of escape. Literally. Take on an interest in whats important , finally. Only now that I am forced to by circumstance. Like the Tao told me. Misfortune may be fortune in disguise and vice-versa. My current path was leading me head first into the ground. Ut circumstances are forcing me to change my ways. For the better. Contemplating life and love and death and re-birth. Endless circles of meandering thoughts ultimately leading no where. The cycle has stopped.

Sunday, November 8, 2009


We all die alone
The end of the world happens 56000 x a die
Well, those were the stats lest time I checked.
Stop consuming long enough to end something
So you may then Begin.
I think you should try breathing under water
I hear its invigorating.
You'll look much better at the end of the world.

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

Seriously Broke

I'm sure you all do too.
My head hurts from constantly trying to devise new ways to get paid.
The 9-5 never ever works out for me. I can't stand doing the same thing over and over day in and day out, especially when the one thing that I do everyday is something I can't stand doing!
I've discovered a few methods and techniques but the bills remain. UNPAID
I'm confident that I'll find a way to make a decent living soon. With all the energy I put forth in just thoughts alone I almost expect a stack of cash to just appear before me any day now.
Highly unlikely.............but I'm sure an oppurtunity will appear.
So if you need me I'll be here .....................broke and searching.......

Thursday, August 13, 2009


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Wednesday, August 12, 2009

this is a test from the phone to the Blog if it works its so Fucking 0n!

life = ?

So.........I'm pretty much bored w/ life and the pursuit of happiness. Not to sound depressing or Emo or whatever, but I've realized that life is just a sick joke! A (seemingly) endless series of boring and un-fulfilling relationships, conversations, and shitty jobs. I'm not sure what I was expecting when I decided to be born and go on living but it's gotta get better than this. Sometimes I ask myself, "so this is it huh?, this is what it's all about". Usually that question answers itself when I look at someone elses useless and mundane existence. I guess it's not so bad though. I'm breathing (through charred lungs that get blacker by the minute), I have friends (who are too caught up in their own home-made drama to give a fuck), I'm not gay, (but sometimes seriously consider wandering over to the dark-side every time another psychotic insanely jealous and/or skeezy ho-baggy female fucks up my head, tears my heart to pieces, and leaves me wanting to give up and just start shooting heroin or something)! But I continue to move on. I push forward w/ a head full of childish hopes and dreams. Quotes and melodies that keep me going day by day. I just hope that life after death is less like life and more like death!
The End ............for now.