no-one

I am No One, Nothing and No where. Not made to survive in these conditions. The current human social structure is too demanding for my sustenence. I am not a drone, not a slave and cannot exist in a hive structure. Socially speaking, in todays terms I am No one, nothing. I have no material possesions to prove my successes. I have no outstanding or even exceptional social standing that demands respect from anyone. I'm not even an average good person. So flawed in too many ways to describe. I cannot function “normally”. I can't hold a job or abide by any routine daily. I don't care about money or status. If left alone with no one I would live like a nomad and simply travel and document my thoughts, leaving them behind for anyone interested in reading them. I love to create but can never finish anything. My mind never stops. Endless strings of thoughts and ideas create states of being not conducive to modern living. I think far too much and feel the need to shut off my brain frequently to appear like a normal person. My body aches and I think that my threshold for pain is exremely high, and any normal person forced to live in this physical condition would just collapse in pain. But I am so used to it that it is my norm. But I also feel the need to shut this off frequently. Which results in addictive behavior. I would much rather feel completely numb all the time, mentally and physically. Heroin eases everything and cures anything. I'm a junky. This does not sit well with society either. A malcontent, I feel like I exist in the wrong time-period. Like I would be better suited in another time where my behavior would be more acceptable. Which time period that is, Idk. I try to adapt by getting a job, or going to school, but nothing ever lasts. I build up material poseesions that make it appear as if Im doing well. I'll have a car and a job, but the cycle continues and ends the same way everytime. With me having nothing. Having lost it all and having to start all over again from the absolute bottom. And right now I feel that I am tired of this endless cycle and do not wish to continue it. I dont want to die or kill myself. Although this self-loathing and inferior mind state that I;ve been trapped in for so long tells me that that would not be such a bad idea. I dont want that. I would much rather find my calling and some how be successful in this life, on this earth where Im trapped. I make music and write. Perhaps I could gain monetery advantage using these. But motivation is another factor. I will continue this later and hope that I will have something positive to report soon.

No-One.

Later today.

Trying desperately to make my empty dirty hovel feel like a home rather than a squat house. Trying to accept the bottom for what it truly is and begin at the absolute beginning. Why am I here?

The oldest question known to man. No more means of escape. Literally. Take on an interest in whats important , finally. Only now that I am forced to by circumstance. Like the Tao told me. Misfortune may be fortune in disguise and vice-versa. My current path was leading me head first into the ground. Ut circumstances are forcing me to change my ways. For the better. Contemplating life and love and death and re-birth. Endless circles of meandering thoughts ultimately leading no where. The cycle has stopped.

Today

We all die alone
The end of the world happens 56000 x a die
Well, those were the stats lest time I checked.
Stop consuming long enough to end something
So you may then Begin.
I think you should try breathing under water
I hear its invigorating.
You'll look much better at the end of the world.

Seriously Broke

I NEED MONEY !!!
I'm sure you all do too.
My head hurts from constantly trying to devise new ways to get paid.
The 9-5 never ever works out for me. I can't stand doing the same thing over and over day in and day out, especially when the one thing that I do everyday is something I can't stand doing!
I've discovered a few methods and techniques but the bills remain. UNPAID
I'm confident that I'll find a way to make a decent living soon. With all the energy I put forth in just thoughts alone I almost expect a stack of cash to just appear before me any day now.
Highly unlikely.............but I'm sure an oppurtunity will appear.
So if you need me I'll be here .....................broke and searching.......

AmericanDreamer

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this is a test from the phone to the Blog if it works its so Fucking 0n!
AmericanDreamer

life = ?

So.........I'm pretty much bored w/ life and the pursuit of happiness. Not to sound depressing or Emo or whatever, but I've realized that life is just a sick joke! A (seemingly) endless series of boring and un-fulfilling relationships, conversations, and shitty jobs. I'm not sure what I was expecting when I decided to be born and go on living but it's gotta get better than this. Sometimes I ask myself, "so this is it huh?, this is what it's all about". Usually that question answers itself when I look at someone elses useless and mundane existence. I guess it's not so bad though. I'm breathing (through charred lungs that get blacker by the minute), I have friends (who are too caught up in their own home-made drama to give a fuck), I'm not gay, (but sometimes seriously consider wandering over to the dark-side every time another psychotic insanely jealous and/or skeezy ho-baggy female fucks up my head, tears my heart to pieces, and leaves me wanting to give up and just start shooting heroin or something)! But I continue to move on. I push forward w/ a head full of childish hopes and dreams. Quotes and melodies that keep me going day by day. I just hope that life after death is less like life and more like death!

The End ............for now. 

Silk and Sky

This is the story of the end of the beginning and the beginning of the end............Far too young, and in love, a bit self-concsious and eager to defy. Naive and delusional (I was indestructable). As always enthralled by beauty and the mystery of the unknown. We were bored and the two much older girls felt like devouring innocence. LIVE=EVIL-They came to us and asked, smiling and giggling, cute and tempting, of course I wanna try it!!! And I did. I loved that I wasn't me for hours thereafter. We were somewhere else. I inhaled this wonderful feeling over and over again. I was excited that my friends mother thought enough of me to share this wonderful ritual. Taking in the bright darkness of the night each time I inhaled. That darkness would never leave me. But I was higher than ever. Her eyes spoke to me and I wanted to finish what was left in that little glass pipe, for her. To show her that I could handle it. To express my appreciation for this "kind gesture". Her eyes told me to do it. But she wasn't finished. She wanted all my innocence. And she took it. Actually she made it very easy for me to give it away. She took me by the hand and led me to another room, shut the door, and locked it. Dark desire led her to me, virulence hidden behind her excited smile. I didn't know what to do, but she did.She swallowed me whole.Her mouth was like heaven. She showed me a brand new world. Un-charterd in my mind, and mapped by her hands. She guided my head, my face, my tongue, my mouth, as she drank every drop of my purity. Ingesting my curious carnal desire. She invoked it, so it could soak into her. She held my excitement in her hands,. Her nails dug into the back of my head as she pushed my face into her. Somehow my tongue knew all the right spots.I loved every second of it. I wonder how she feels about it today? So was she the cause or merely the first witness to the beginning of the end? Obsession and compulsion posessed me. A demon spawn was born, her selfish idea, the womb. I celebrated as if it were my birthday. It was really a funeral.............I was Eleven..............